Life Slipping Away
by tivaisseasonten
Summary: Paige can't help but feel responsible for Mike's health state, she doesn't feel like she deserves to live after what she did to a man she had loved, but will something else change her whole outlook, or will she fall apart? Warning: Attempted Sucicide
1. Chapter 1

Prompt: Paige watches as Mike almost dies

Paige hadn't left the hospital waiting room since she had realized that Sid had attempted to kill Mike because of her, she paced back and forth, her head in her hands and tears streaming down her tanned cheeks. The flannel she had wrapped tightly around her had been stolen from his closet, which had remained untouched since he and her had ceased talking. There was a loud commotion all of a sudden, doctors rushed through the relatively empty corridor, she heard shouts of "code red!" ring throughout the hall and she chased after the mob of doctors. Her worst fears came true as she watched the doctors pile into Mike's room, she desperately tried to see what was going on,

"Ma'm I'm going to need you to return to the waiting room." A doctor tried to usher her away, but Paige fought her,

"That's my boyfriend!" She screeched, ignoring her word choice in her subconscious,

"Please just let the doctors do their jobs." The woman said, trying to fend off a shrieking Paige,

"NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!" Paige screamed, tears gushing, the female doctor tried to take Paige by the arms to calm her but Paige was inconsolable, "THIS IS MY FAULT!" She shouted in hysteria, the doctor again looked at the woman falling apart in front of her, and watched as the blonde slumped to the ground, controlled by her sobs, the doctor took her in her arms, and tried desperately to console the wrecked girl. Paige's entire body wracked with heavy, deep, screams of anger as she fell apart, her head buried in her hands, her tears wetting Mike's flannel, this was all her fault.

The doctor assured her that Mike was in good hands and helped her out of the deserted hospital wing, Mike and the team of doctors in the operating room halls down, and Paige crying as she made her way to the front door, she managed to return to the cool California breeze, it whipped her tear streaked face with anger and resentment, every cool whisper stinging her skin with the sharpness of reality. She didn't know what to do, she felt hopeless and helpless, that's when she decided she was going to do it.

She drove home in silence, the radio still tuned to Mike's favorite Broadway station, but the volume off, she returned to the empty house, glad her roommates were gone for the day, she found a piece of paper and started to scrawl her goodbye,

/ Mike,

I watched life slip out of you today, I watched as the doctors fruitless efforts only pumped the tiniest sliver of breath back into your chest, I listened to the doctors contemplate pulling the plug, I heard them discuss the challenges you'd face if you were to miraculously wake up from this coma that I put you in. This is all my fault, I tried to make things right with Lena and I ended up destroying the one man I knew, and I loved, the most. The one person I could turn to when days got dark and when nights got too cold, and now suddenly you're laying in a hospital bed because of me, you're unable to open your eyes, or your mouth,or move because of me, you lay in this place between life and death, this hellish sleep, because of me. I don't think you will ever forgive me, you don't have to, hell, please don't. I know you're gonna wake up Mikey, I know you're going to be the best FBI agent this country has ever seen, and you're going to marry a nice girl, and have a beautiful family, I know you will pull through this, because you deserve to. I however don't deserve the gift anymore, I've lived my life out, I've had the best moments i will ever have with you and I want you to know that my last memories are sweet ones of you, and that I didn't feel a thing.

I'll love you forever.

Paige/

Her tears dripped onto the outside edge of the paper that she set on the table, and she rummaged around the medicine drawer, pulling out a bottle of prescription pain killers, she poured a handful into her sweaty palms and one by one, took each pill. She didn't lie, she didn't feel a thing as she slipped onto the cool tile floor of their kitchen.

Charlie came home from baby shopping, feeling quite happy, she walked toward the kitchen and she stumbled upon her friend sprawled out on the floor, she quickly dialed 911, and tried desperately to search for signs of life in her blonde companion. Charlie noticed the white paper, and quickly grabbed it off the counter, reading it, and realizing what her friend had done, the next few hours were a blur as paramedics swarmed he house, and tried to revive Paige.

Meanwhile, Mike was waking from his coma, albeit weak, he had not long lasting impacts, his doctors were expecting a quicker recovery than they had anticipated. He wasn't asking for much in his delirious state, except he kept mumbling Paige's name as doctors checked his vitals, Charlie came bursting in,

"MIKEY!" She shouted, throwing her arms around the younger agent, crying into his shoulder,

"Where's Paige?" Mike whispered hoarsely, and a grave look came over Charlie's face and he knew something was wrong,

"Mikey...Paige is...she's in the other hospital wing..." Charlie answered, and Mikes face filled with alarm,

"Did she get shot? What happened?!" He asked worriedly, Charlie swallowed hard,

"She tried to kill herself yesterday." Charlie said quietly, and Mike's eyes filled with fear, "she wanted you to read this." Charlie pulled out the piece of paper Paige had addressed to Mike. His eyes widened as he read the note, tears filling his yes and his entire being becoming crushed, mortally defeated.

Charlie left when Mike dosed off into a deep slumber, silently making her way back to Paige's room, she stopped quickly though when she heard the mumbling of doctors outside her friends room,

"Did your test results come back as we thought they would?" One of the doctors asked the other,

"Yes, Ms. Arkin is approximately 9 weeks pregnant."


	2. Chapter 2

Charlie stood there: trying to make sense of what she had just heard. Her stomach turned and she leaned against the wall to try and regain her composure. Mike was laying in his hospital bed, barely coherent, and recovering from his kidnapping and even after all of the shit that had been hanging in the air between him and Paige over the past few months, he had still asked for her. It didn't take long for Charlie to put two and two together, if Mike was asking for Paige, and Paige had written Mike that letter, then they must've been together at some point, meaning Mike was probably the father. Did Mike know? She wondered, hell did Paige even know? She couldn't convince herself that Paige would've gone through with her suicide attempt if she had known she was pregnant, but then again, everything that had happened had been so dark and heavy between the two that she really couldn't be certain. If Mike knew when he asked for Paige he would've mentioned that reason, and since as far as Charlie was concerned the two hadn't been on speaking terms, she decided that there was no way Mike actually knew that he had gotten Paige pregnant. Charlie looked through the dark window into Paige's room. The blonde was spread out on the stark white hospital bed, her hand (instinctively or purposefully Charlie didn't know) protectively resting on her stomach, which although at first glance still flat, if Charlie looked closely she could tell the baby bump was beginning to form. Charlie's heart dropped, she hadn't even realized that there was a chance that neither Paige nor the baby would wake up.

Mike laid in silence in his room, his eyes focusing on the white sheet of paper with Paige's loopy scrawl on it, he didn't know what he was going to do if she didn't wake up, he couldn't imagine living in such a cruel world without his beautiful ex-girlfriend. The word ex burned in his throat, after the whole fiasco that had landed him in the hospital he couldn't bring himself to be angry with her. He had been a shit of a guy over the past few weeks, he hadn't been honest and he hadn't been there for her when she needed him most. He had listened to her cry herself to sleep multiple nights, and he had wanted nothing more than to go crawl under her comforter next to her and wrap her in his arms and attempt to console her. But of course, he was the reason she was crying, he had made her miserable, and even though it had been unintentional, he regretted everything.

Sid had told him. He'd told him that it had been the pretty blonde who had given up Mike's location, without hesitation. Mike had initially been shocked, but the shock turned to sickness and he had to keep himself from throwing up at the mere thought that what he had done to Paige had been so bad that she had let him get kidnapped as punishment. He felt miserable, he didn't blame her, not when they hit him or cut him or shot him. He had felt nothing but numbness. Not once had he hated her, in fact throughout the torture he had been unable to escape memories of her, fond, loving ones. He still loved her, he decided he probably would never stop, and he wanted to let her know that, but he didn't think he'd get a chance to tell her when he'd felt the cold barrel of the gun against his temple. He prayed to God that she would be ok and that she would move on and have a family and a wonderful life. It was his dying wish for her to have a life, a good one, even if it didn't include him.

Paige's doctors were worried, some of her bodily fluid levels were way to high, and were consequently putting her recovery and her pregnancy at risk. She hadn't woken up yet, infact she had barely had any brain action over the past three days, and they were not optimistic on the baby's odds, although they felt certain she would be able to recover. They had to wait until she was conscious to test for disease that would interfere with labor, they were almost certain it was going to be a positive for one of the various threats. It took five days for her to regain consciousness, she blinked open her eyes and immediately began crying and asking if Mike was okay. Charlie assured her that Mike was going to be alright and Paige calmed down enough for the doctors to be able to talk to her.

"We are going to do some pre-natal tests, based on the amount of stress your body is going through we cannot promise that there will be a good conclusion but if you could just hang in there that would be very helpful." One of the tall doctors told her, Paige stared at him with confusion,

"Pre-natal? I'm not pregnant." She answered, lost in her head.

"Our tests show that you're about 10 weeks along." The doctor answered quickly and Paige's face turned ghostly white,

"Oh my god" She whispered, tears streaming down her face and absolute sorrow filling her heart, "what have I done. Mike..." She tinkered off, sobbing as the doctor prepared the tests.

It wasn't a surprise to anyone when the test came back,showing her heightened rate of miscarriage probability was almost 25%. She didn't know what to say, so she cried into Charlie's arms. She knew she needed to tell Mike, but she was in no condition to be moving from her bed, and Mike was still trying to recover. She hadn't even thought about if he would still want her, after almost getting him killed, if he would ever give her a second chance. She knew however, solely because of what a good person Mike was, that he would want to be a part of his child's life, even if it was completely clean of Paige. She was frightened that there was a 25% chance that she would lose the baby and even if she carried it to term the extreme dosage of pills she had taken would likely affect her birth, or even worse her child. She was disappointed in herself, and she knew Mike would be devastated, and maybe angry with her for putting his child in harms way.

Mike missed Paige. He hadn't seen her in almost three weeks, both had been told they couldn't leave their beds, of course Mike had no clue why Paige was on such intense bed rest. One night, he got tired of missing her and he pushed himself out of bed into the wheelchair that was by his bedside, and tried, as quietly as possible, to go see her. The wheelchair frustrated him to no end, but he had come to terms with what the doctor had told him, knowing that the only chance he had to fully recover was to listen to the doctors instructions, and if the doctor said he'd likely spend a year or so confined to the wheelchair then he was obliged to do it. The rolling of the wheels against the tile made a numb rumbling, and he tried to go quicker, feeling exhaustion setting in and knowing that she was right down the hall. He arrived outside her door to find it empty, no Paige in sight, and his stomach dropped. A tall doctor strolled by and Mike looked up at him

"Where is Paige Arkin?" He asked, and the doctor looked at him,

"Paige is down in the Antenatal department, it's floor 5, room 506." The doctor answered, Mike didn't think twice about which department Paige was in, all he heard was she was in room 506, and he was going to get to her. He rolled tiredly towards the elevator, rolling into it and pressing the button for the fifth floor. When he arrived he was suddenly surrounded by lots of powder blues and light pinks, and that was the moment he realized where he was. He thought maybe she was overflow from a different floor, and had been placed here because it was comfortable, and with that assumption comforting him he rolled towards room 506. He peered through the window, he saw her, lying, connected to a ton of monitors, she looked so sick and weak. He thought back to her note, and he felt nauseous looking at her. She looked so unlike the strong, powerful woman she was.

He let himself in, silently approaching her bedside, careful not to roll over any wires, he put his hand over hers and gripped her small hand in his. He felt her stir, and he felt bad, he didn't mean to wake her, but when she had looked over at him and burst into tears he had felt the urge to try and comfort her.

"I'm so sorry Mike." She cried, and he rubbed her hand,

"I'm going to be okay Paige, it's all going to be be alright, I never once was angry with you, I deserved what happened." He said softly and she started crying again,

"That's not all I'm sorry for." She whispered and he looked at her, confused, "I didn't know, I shouldn't have taken the pills, I didn't know Mike I didn't know. Please don't hate me." She peered at him, tears flowing down her cheeks,

"Paige I could never hate you." He answered and she looked at him, still miserable,

"It's not just me I hurt." She said quietly and he still looked lost, "I'm pregnant Mike." She said, she watched as his eyes turned a stormy blue,

"Who'd you sleep with? I thought you were too focused on hating me." He asked, he looked hurt, and she felt worse for what she was about to say.

"You. I'm 13 weeks pregnant, the last time we..." She looked at him, trying to read his reaction, his face softened, the hurt dissipated and all of a sudden he looked concerned,

"Paige, why are you apologizing?" He said as he looked at her quizzically,

"Because" she sniffled, "the pills I took hurt it, they said there's a 25% chance I'll lose the baby and even if I do carry to term she could be born with defects or I could have major complications. This isn't how I imagined having a family with you, not with me in a hospital and you in a wheelchair." She rambled, crying softly. Mike didn't hesitate to wrap her in his arms and whisper in her ear that he loved her and everything was going to be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

Today was the day. Mike was busy signing his forms for release, as the rest of the house (excluding Paige of course) bustled around Graceland trying to prepare it for their friend's return. Mike inked his signature on the last of the papers, and hurriedly climbed into his wheelchair, excited to go see Paige and surprise her with the news. The pair hadn't discussed what had happened between them, he knew minimal details about how she had felt during their nasty weeks, but he hadn't dared to tell her what had been running through his head while they had been at odds. Their relationship was still rocky in Mike's eyes, he worried that their love would fall apart again and all that held them together was the imminent arrival of their hopefully healthy child. He tried not to think about what would've happened to them if she hadn't gotten pregnant during their last time together, he wondered if they would've ever even spoken to one another again. He rubbed his sore hands against the wheels of his chair and rolled down to the elevator, trying to ignore any inkling of fear he was feeling. The elevator buzzed as it reached her floor, and Mike retraced the familiar path to her room. Something wasn't right. He could tell by the rush of action surrounding her normally desert door, and suddenly his heart dropped. He quickened his pace, racing to her door and desperately asking what was going on.

"Sir, we are going to need you to wait outside." A doctor who's brown eyes were frantic and who was clearly worried about her patient, told him as he tried to infiltrate the hospital room. Mike tried to take in what was unfolding in front of him, he hadn't even known he had wanted a family that badly until he had found out she was pregnant.

Meanwhile, Paige had slipped into the darkness, her mind in a dreamlike state. She blinked her eyes open, and found herself in a bed that she was unfamiliar with, cries of a baby ringing through the room. Paige tiredly rubbed her eyes, and stood up out of bed, she noticed then her reflection. Her long blonde locks had been chopped off short and her hair was the color of midnight. She looked tired, bags under her eyes, stress lines across her face, her frame was unhealthily thin, her bones pushing against the flannel she had wrapped around her. She recognized the flannel, it had been the one she had last made love to Mike in, she pulled the soft cloth closer to her, and picked the sobbing infant up in her arms, pulling her into her chest and shushing the baby with lullabies. Paige took a minute to look around, she was in a dark bedroom, navy blue sheets on her bed, no artwork and a white crib in the corner, complete with a stuffed teddy bear-the one she had given to Mike the first time he had told her he was a mole- was cramped into the yellow nestling of the baby's crib. She looked at the infant who had quit crying and was shocked by the bright blue, very Mike like, eyes that stared back at her. She went to the door and opened it.

"Come on baby eat your breakfast." She cooed, spooning a mashed green mixture into her daughter's gaping mouth. Paige looked around her, the kitchen was just as barren as the bedroom had been, the fridge was empty except the cans of baby food, as were the cabinets. There was a knock on the front door, Paige went to answer it, relieved that it was Charlie, a familiar face. Charlie looked much the same, she had put on a little weight post-baby but Paige assumed that was normal.

"I'm so glad you answered your door this time." Charlie said, looking at her friend,

"What do you mean this time?" Paige asked, confused as to why she wouldn't allow her best friend into her home.

"Paige, ever since Michelle was born you've been locked away in this dump. I know her eyes remind you of Mike, but you have to be there for her, look at you..." Charlie wrapped her hand around Paige's wrist, "you're way underweight, you're going to die." Charlie finished and Paige opened her mouth to interrupt, "and don't you dare say because you deserve to, you have a daughter who is already fatherless and needs you to be there, stop thinking about what Sid did to Mike, stop letting yourself suffer for his death and be there for his child, you know that's all he would've asked of you." Charlie stopped her before she could say something,

"Mikes dead?!" Paige asked panicked,

"Paige honey, he died almost a year ago after Sid shot him and he flat lined, you know that." Charlie rubbed her friends shoulder,

"I killed Mike." She said, grief-stricken,

"You couldn't have known Sid would kill him when you gave his location, you know Mike would've forgiven you, don't live in the past." Charlie tried to calm her friend, who was hysteric,

"What happened to Mike while he was with Sid?" Paige asked,desperate for answers,

"Paige honey I don't think..." Charlie was interrupted by Paige,

"Tell me." She said quietly,

"Sid told him that you gave away his location, then stabbed him," Charlie started, Paige's hand flew to her mouth, "they severed his spine, so he couldn't walk, and then they shot him and left him for dead. We got there, Briggs got there, but it was too late, we got him to the hospital and he flatlined." Charlie said almost silently, as she watched her former friend break into sobs, clutching her daughter close to her,

"But Paige you have to take care of your daughter,of Mike's daughter, you have to be there for her to grow up, that's all Mike would've wanted and we both know it."

"I'm a monster." Paige whispered, this was when she heard beeping and she came back into consciousness, Mike standing by her side, gripping her hand and kissing her forehead as she looked over at him. She started sobbing, and pulled Mike close to her, wanting to be reassured that he was really there.

"Paige, you're ok, we're ok, the baby is ok." He told her and she smiled through her tears,

"I had a horrible dream Mikey." She stuttered and he tightened his embrace on her, "I'm so sorry for Sid, you were dead, you were dead and I was alone and she had your eyes." Paige croaked, full sobs escaping her throat. He kissed her again,

"I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere." He hushed her as he stroked her hair and wiped her tears from her cheeks.


End file.
